just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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