i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
barbara walters just said penis...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
