let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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