So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
