We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
