I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
