dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
