I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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