life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
