I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
