I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
false alarm. still invincible.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
