I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
