it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My vagina is officially offended.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
