can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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