I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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