Swine flu. Run for my life!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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