THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
