If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
