dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
