can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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