My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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