I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
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