peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
