im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
