sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
