im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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