i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
