Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
