i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
