I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dicks are not precious.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
