My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
