Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
