We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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