I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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