i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
