he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
