am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
