Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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