Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
