I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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