ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
