yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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