I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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