I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
