life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
