i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
