i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
