Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
