what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
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This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
we should paint friendship bongs
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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