On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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