I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
