omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
