we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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