Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dignity is for republicans.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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