I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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