why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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