Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
