Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
we made out on top of his cat.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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