im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
