4 words: hood of his car
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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