20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
