i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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