Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Randomize
